seeing spots

I became so reserved during high school. I always used to introduce myself and make conversation because I felt the need to make sure everyone was comfortable. Now I don’t feel the need to please other people by initiating conversation. I can be so quiet now. I kind of like it.

my parents aren’t letting me go to my college’s admitted students’ weekend because of my grades.. I’m taking this as an invitation to get ridiculously wasted the night of my 18th birthday instead of engaging in wholesome college-related stuff.

I am physically repulsed by the thought of being in a monogamous relationship right now.

but I’m still killing myself working. At this rate I’ll be a burnt-out shell by the time I graduate. I didn’t want to even come back to school this year. I seriously almost decided to home-school. Who invented the idea of the Ivy League? Who was that fucked-up person? That person ruined my life. I hate Newsweek, the College Board, and every other publication that creates “Best College” Lists. Those lists are bullshit yet they somehow dictate my major life choices.

I don’t want to be an overachiever. I want to be a person.

I don’t even know who the fuck I am or what the fuck I want to do with my life anymore. I used to know but it got drowned out by noise and unrealistic expectations. I used to think learning was fun. 

Why am I even posting this.

At the airport. I’m flying to Chicago in two hours.

I’m so done with high school. I just want to get to college. I thought taking a course at Penn would serve as a sort of dose of reality but now I just want to leave even more. It’s made me realize I can’t get what I want where I am. Everything here just seems so pointless; I’m afraid I’m going to have some sort of meltdown if I stay another year.

I got this feeling once before and it made me switch schools. and cut off a foot of my hair. I don’t know what I’m going to do now but things can’t go on the way they are. Jesus it feels like I only just came to Central but already I just need OUT. 

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with the people. I’ve drifted away from everyone this year. It’s all my fault. No one did anything wrong, I just changed. I wouldn’t recognize myself from freshman year. or sophomore year. or even six months ago. I seem to be in constant flux and I hate it but resisting would be like trying to stop the tide from coming in. 

my last ap test was today c: now I can:

•read Song of Solomon for school•watch On the Beach (1959) •finish the biography of Voltaire I’m currently reading •read The Stranger by Albert Camus •read The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami •start my ancient philosophy class at UPenn on Monday :D •read What Is Life from a Physicist’s Point of View by Erwin Schrodinger •watch Legend of Korra •go hiking •catch up on Breaking Bad •find & finish that Nabokov novel

this is why I don’t have a life. or a boyfriend. It’s probably sad that I prefer reading to human interaction but I honestly don’t even care.

edit: I’m crossing stuff off as I complete it.. I guess we’ll see how much actually gets done.

Am I the only one who thinks Anderson Cooper is extremely attractive?

I’m watching Planet Earth. It’s probably the most beautiful nature documentary series I’ve seen in a while; you guys should check it out.

I just realized that the only thing I’m certain I want to do in life is hike the Appalachian trail.

I just watched The Red Baron and I have no idea what happened, plot-wise. I just know that mens’ sweaters in 1918 were AMAZING.